


i'm going down / follow if you want, i won't just hang around

by foreverstudent



Category: Super Junior
Genre: 83line, Gen, Heechul loves Leeteuk, Leeteuk loves Heechul, Team as Family, TeukChul
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:40:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23526295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foreverstudent/pseuds/foreverstudent
Summary: He’s driving so fast, pushing down steadily on the accelerator, that he doesn’t notice the icy patch of road, isn't prepared for his car spinning out of control, wheels skidding on the slippery asphalt.--“Heechul-ssi, we all just got a call…Leeteuk-ssi…”“What?” Heechul suddenly couldn’t help the fear that rose up in his throat.“They found him…his car…accident…hospital…”
Relationships: Kim Heechul/Park Jungsoo | Leeteuk
Comments: 6
Kudos: 123





	i'm going down / follow if you want, i won't just hang around

Smiling as he blows one last kiss to the mic and waves at the screen, Leeteuk clicks the button that ends the live broadcast and watches as another episode of his Kiss the Youtube is archived and uploaded. Sighing, he glances at the clock. 3AM. His comment box was quiet -- many ELFs were already asleep. For some reason, he had wanted this broadcast to last longer--he played more songs, told more stories than usual, read out more emails. But it ended, and Leeteuk felt strangely empty and sad.

It wasn't a new feeling; it came and went. There were good days and bad days, and Leeteuk could already feel the start of a bad one. He turned off his computer and grabbed his phone, idly looking through SNS and scrolling until his eyes were tired. His group chats were silent, even the Super Junior one. They had been busy with individual activities lately, but they were scheduled to plan something for their 15 year anniversary soon. Leeteuk clicked off his phone and sat, staring into space, going through his upcoming schedules. MC-ing, variety show appearances, planning Super TV and another comeback, meetings with the label and the company…his head spun as he tried to get them straight, breath quickening as he felt a weight settle on his chest. It was the start of a panic attack. 

The spacious apartment suddenly felt claustrophobic. Leeteuk got up and paced the room, trying desperately to get his breathing under control. He could do this. He was Super Junior's leader! The nation's rising MC! SM's respected senior! He was Leeteuk! He was Park Jungsoo...he was...who was he really? He was alone.

Leeteuk dropped to his knees in the middle of his apartment and gave a muffled scream. He couldn't be thinking this! Now was not the time...but his apartment felt strangely cold and empty, his phone was silent, and his computer was too. No one invited him out for anything aside from work. Everyone in Super Junior was preparing their own activities and moving forward -- KRY was finally getting a comeback and album, same with D&E. Siwon had landed another drama, Shindong was growing Walala Productions and was swamped with requests from hoobae groups to direct their videos, and Heechul...   


Heechul was in love, and Leeteuk was pretty sure this was it. He was mentally readying himself to host his friend’s wedding. Heechul was also booked on variety shows every day of the week, and Leeteuk couldn't even remember the last time he saw him in person. If he was honest with himself, he was a tiny bit envious of his friend. Heechul had a natural magnetism and charisma that Leeteuk didn't have, not really -- he made up for it with his broadcast tone and over-acting attention-seeking. When the dating news came out, Leeteuk gave his full blessing -- of course he did. He wanted his friend to be happy, which was why he didn't tell Heechul about all the meetings he had to have with the company, trying to push them to finally, finally allow dating in the open, for them to not punish Heechul or Super Junior by taking away some of their activities or adding some ridiculous clauses in their contract. He pleaded and begged, but that was okay -- he was the leader after all, and Heechul his best (if honest, his only) friend. 

But that didn't stop him from wanting a love of his own, despite him now knowing that it was impossible, not if he wanted to continue being Super Junior's Leeteuk. The only reason why the company had allowed Heechul (and soon, would allow any other member to date) was if Leeteuk would promise to remain as SJ's leader. That meant carrying the idol image -- that meant staying single, keeping up appearances for however long it took. No scandals or negative news; otherwise, an automatic exit. And Leeteuk took it, but not without ensuring that the company would not disclose it to the team. It would just be one of the many secrets he carried as leader, beginning from the fact that they were supposed to be a project group. What was one more?

Leeteuk would always fight for his members, but he was resigned to the fact that no one would fight for him. Resentment flared up in his heart, but was immediately replaced by guilt. How could he be so selfish? He was the leader. He wanted so many things for himself; he was nearing forty, after all…but he is SJ's leader. He monitors all his members' activities diligently, checking the news sites every now and then and scrolling through the trends. Even after fifteen years of being an idol, the comments never fail to hurt. He could care less if they were about him (okay, he does care, but he's borne most of the burden for these years, he's used to it, as long as it doesn't drag SJ down, he can live with hate comments), but every hate comment directed at Heechul or Hyukjae or Shindong or any of his members makes his blood boil. He takes these as his failure too -- he is in charge of SJ's image, and this meant he didn't do his job. Fifteen years, and it never got any easier. His head swam, and the weight on his chest seemed to grow heavier and heavier, pulling his heart to the ground. Leeteuk struggled to breathe, riding out the waves of _angersadnessconfusionangerhurtpainpainpain…_  


Panting and pushing himself to breathe, Leeteuk stands up and grabs his coat and car keys. He'll go crazy if he stays. He needs room, air to breathe. Closing his apartment door behind him, he walks to the elevator and passes by unit 610 -- Heechul's door. He stops for a second and looks at the door, contemplating ringing the doorbell or just entering the passcode that he knows from the last time he had to bring a drunk (yet happy) Heechul home. Maybe he could wake Heechul up and they could talk again at length, like they used to do before their debut. As fast as it comes, the impulse disappears. Heechul has his own problems and his own happiness now — he doesn’t have any business adding his own burdens to that load. What kind of leader would he be, to ask his friend to carry pain that wasn’t his? Leeteuk takes back his hand that had already been hovering over the keypad, clenching it into a fist. He shakes his head and gets on the elevator when it comes, going down until it reaches the parking lot.   


Cold air greets him as he steps out and walks to his car, barely noticing the cold. It is the middle of the long night in another of Seoul's bitter winters. Leeteuk gets in and starts the car, driving out of the apartment complex and hitting the main highway. He drives mindlessly, allowing the routine motions to take over, only glancing at his mirrors and traffic lights. There aren't any other cars at this hour, and Leeteuk drives fast and aimlessly, following the Han River away from the Trimage. His thoughts start to quiet down and his breathing starts to slow. 

He’s driving so fast, pushing down steadily on the accelerator, that he doesn’t notice the icy patch of road, isn't prepared for his car spinning out of control, wheels skidding on the slippery asphalt. The brakes don't work even as he desperately slams down on them, and the last thought that Leeteuk has before his neck snaps back from the impact and his head hits the window and he blacks out is "I wish I rang the doorbell." 

* * *

Heechul sighs as he rubs his forehead, willing the headache to go away before he steps on set for shooting Knowing Brothers and he has to be funny, laughing, everything that Kim Heechul, universe big star, is meant to be. His head was still ringing from lack of sleep; he felt floaty and tired, going to bed well past midnight and being woken up by his manager early in the morning. That was why he was here, in the studio, shooting when he would rather be at home and sleeping. 

His stomach grumbled. It was close to noon, and his manager had rushed out to buy him a quick lunch before shooting. He began lazily scrolling through his phone, checking his group chats, raising his eyebrows when he read Donghae’s message in the SJ chat looking for his Leeteuk hyung, with no reply. He shot off a quick reply — “he’s probably sleeping, don’t disturb” — and clicked off his phone, trying to push down the uneasy feeling in his chest. This was Jungsoo, the SJ chat, and Donghae — how many times had they teased Jungsoo about being the most noisy online? Jungsoo would never ignore any of his dongsaeng’s messages. 

Heechul scrolled through his contacts again and his finger hovered over Jungsoo’s number, contemplating whether or not he should call. It was too awkward, he decided — they were friends, but they didn’t really call each other. Jungsoo was probably asleep, Heechul decided. He had fallen asleep listening to KTY the other night, which meant that Jungsoo had probably ended his livestream long after he fell asleep. Of course, he never told Jungsoo he watched his broadcasts. It just went without saying — at least, Heechul thought so. If his leader watched all his variety shows — and he knew he did, even though Leeteuk never told him — then he watched KTY religiously. 

Heechul startled suddenly at the loud banging at his dressing room door, opening it to find his red-faced manager, empty-handed with no lunch. “Ya, I’m hungry…wait, are you okay?” Heechul asked, concerned as he observed his manager’s sweat and tears.

“Heechul-ssi, we all just got a call…Leeteuk-ssi…”

“What?” Heechul suddenly couldn’t help the fear that rose up in his throat. 

“They found him…his car…accident…hospital…”

Heechul’s eyes widened, blood rushing in his ears as he only caught his manager’s every other word. Silently, he grabbed his phone and wallet, not bothering to change from his track suit and slippers as he ran out, shouting apologies over his shoulder at the Knowing Brothers staff. He pulled his manager along, the two of them running to the car. 

_Not again, not again,_ Heechul prayed frantically. He was suddenly thrown back thirteen years, getting the call that Leeteuk, Eunhyuk, Shindong, and Kyuhyun had been in a car accident. Panic rose in his throat and he could barely breathe. “What happened?” he gasped out, begging his manager for answers. 

“Leeteuk-ssi’s manager went to his apartment to fetch him for his schedule, but he wasn’t answering his phone. When he got there, the apartment was empty, with only his phone and wallet there. Cameras showed that he got into his car and drove away. This morning, SM got a call from Seoul General Hospital. Someone came across a car accident and called an ambulance. They couldn’t ID him at first without his cards, but a nurse at the hospital thought he looked familiar and told the doctors to call SM.”

“It’s Teukkie…”

“Yes,” Heechul’s manager said sadly. 

“How—how is he?”

Heechul’s manager was quiet. “YA! How is he?!” Heechul screamed from the backseat, making his manager flinch. 

“He’s intubated and unconscious. We’ll know more at the hospital,” his manager said finally, and Heechul seethed. “Why were we not called earlier?” he shouted. “This is Jungsoo! The kids…”

“The company knew by 9AM,” the manager said silently. “They thought…they thought it would be best not to disturb your schedules first until they knew more.” Heechul almost sobbed out loud. “Lucky Leeteuk-ssi’s manager wasn’t having it,” his manager continued. “He texted us all secretly as soon as he could. KRY, D&E, and Shindong-ssi are on their way. Siwon-ssi has been booked on the next flight home.” 

Heechul subsided at that, grateful for their managers’ loyalty to Leeteuk, if not to the company. “Gomawo,” he said quietly. He turned his face to the window and watched the buildings slip by, hastily wiping away the tears that he hadn’t even noticed were rolling down his cheeks. 

“We’re here,” his manager said. Heechul looked up and saw that they were at the back entrance. “Reporters already out front,” his manager said, frustrated. “We’ll handle them. Leeteuk-ssi is in a private room, third floor.” Heechul barely heard what he said before jumping out of the car and running up the stairs, barely giving a though to the slight ache in his leg. 

He rounded the corner to see Leeteuk’s mother and sister already there outside the room, relieved that SM at least had the decency to tell his family, if not his members. “Inyoung _noona, eomoni,_ ” Heechul said softly, bowing and holding their hands in greeting. Their eyes were obviously red and swollen. “How is he?”

Leeteuk’s mother broke down at that, pushing Inyoung and Heechul to sit her down on the nearest chair, Heechul quickly running to the water dispenser and giving her a cup of warm water. Inyoung answered for her. “They said he was found alone in his car,” she said, voice shaking. “They say he was driving too fast for the slippery roads. His tire tracks showed he lost control and crashed. They found him hypothermic and his head bleeding.” Inyoung sobbed, unable to continue. “The doctors put him in an induced coma. He’s unconscious now.”

Heechul couldn’t handle it. “Do they know why—why was he driving like that?” Inyoung shook her head. “He tested negative for alcohol or any drugs. You know him, Heechul-ah, he doesn’t drink and he wouldn’t do that…do you know why?” Heechul could only shake his head mutely, staring at the hospital door in front of them. Inyoung cried and put her head in her hands. “Can we see him?” Heechul asked tentatively. Inyoung shook her head. “They wouldn’t let us in until he was put under after his emergency surgery.” 

Although he couldn’t tell Inyoung noona, he had an uneasy feeling why his friend had gone out and drove recklessly by himself. But he fervently, desperately hoped he was wrong. They had gone to counseling together on-screen, had been honest with each other off-screen on rare occasions, had been carefully open with each other on their struggles, and while it was true they had both been busy recently, and his friend had been more reserved than usual — Heechul felt a sting of guilt. He hadn’t been taking care of his friend…but he hoped and prayed he was wrong. _Jungsoo…you wouldn’t do this, would you? You wouldn’t do that to me…to the kids…_

At that moment, they were interrupted by the loud footsteps of several people rounding the corner. Heechul stood up to welcome his dongsaengs, opening his arms and hugging each of them, not answering their endless questions. “Hyung, Leeteuk hyung?” “Hyung…why?” “Hyung…what happened…” It was like 2006 all over again, except he wasn’t the one in the hospital bed. His dongsaengs weren’t the thin scrawny kids they used to be, the ones who had all crowded around his hospital bed with snotty noses and red eyes from crying until he had thrown all of them out and made them promise to come back only if they could make him laugh. 

Only Leeteuk…Jungsoo, had stayed throughout all his temper tantrums stuck in bed, kept his mind off his injured leg, helped him walk again and all but carried him out of the hospital. The tears pricked at the corner of his eyes again, his voice hoarse as he attempted to comfort all of them. Donghae, Hyukjae, Yesung, Kyuhyun, and Ryeowook had all come from the recording studios and picked up Shindong from the Walala office on the way. Donghae and Yesung already looked like they had been crying, Eunhyuk and Shindong were looking for doctors and obviously still trying to process the information, and the maknaes looked lost. They were grown men now, all of them, but Heechul could blink and they could still be the teenagers that followed him and Jungsoo around like ducklings. His heart clenched. 

The doctor finally stepped out from the private room and looked surprised at the mass of people that had gathered in a short time, flinching at the sudden shouts of questions. He held up a hand to silence them. “Park Jungsoo is currently in an induced coma. He suffered hypothermia and head trauma. We operated to relieve the bleeding in his brain, and the surgery went well, but we will keep him unconscious for now. When he wakes, we’ll know if there are any other effects of the crash.”

“Effects?” Inyoung noona asked worriedly. The doctor answered her gently. “Head injuries are hard to navigate. We don’t know how long Park Jungsoo was bleeding before he was found. Some recover fully, others may have difficulty with some brain functions. Others may need therapy. We’ll know when he wakes up.”

Heechul felt as though he had been struck dumb, and looking around at the other members, he knew they were all thinking the same thing. His own injury in his leg was manageable for an idol — he could dance modified dances, come in later during the song, or talk his heart out on variety shows. But brain functions…for Leeteuk, for his Jungsoo, the nation’s MC and Super Junior’s leader — walking, talking, dancing, singing, MC-ing…everything his friend loved to do and lived for. He could barely process it all, watching Inyoung noona and her mother crying together. 

“Can we see him?” he heard someone asking, probably Hyukjae. “Two at a time only for now,” the doctor said gently. “No loud noises, but you can talk to him. Anything could help.” Closing his folder, he surveyed the people in front of him who obviously loved his unconscious patient very much. “Park Jungsoo seems to be a very strong man,” he said. “We will take it one day at a time.” 

“Thank you, doctor,” Inyoung noona said, as she tearfully guided her mother inside Leeteuk’s hospital room and shut the door behind them, the first two visitors. Heechul stood quietly in front of the door, staring at the edge of the hospital bed visible through the door’s small window. Behind him, his dongsaengs were lowering themselves onto the chairs, trying valiantly to keep themselves from crying. Donghae had given up on pretending and was on the phone with Siwon, the two of them praying fervently for their Leeteuk-hyung. Kyuhyun and Ryeowook had curled themselves into Yesung’s sides, the three of them taking up the bigger waiting room couch as Yesung desperately tried to pull himself together and be there for his KRY little brothers. Shindong was pacing the room, and Hyukjae was nervously fidgeting, tapping his feet to a crazed rhythm and wringing his hands anxiously. 

“Heechul-ssi,” a voice called, and Heechul found himself jerked from his reverie. Leeteuk’s manager, pale and sweaty, was timidly calling out to him. “Deh?”

“Heechul-ssi, I—I think I have something to show you. It’s about Leeteuk-ssi.” 

Heechul looked around quickly to make sure none of the others heard before quickly following after the manager. Rounding the corner and walking down the hallway, he asked, “what is it?”

Leeteuk’s manager took out his phone and brought up a video that Heechul recognized as the hallways of their apartment building. “When I couldn’t contact Leeteuk-ssi and found his unit empty, we immediately checked the building cameras. They found this.” 

Heechul watched the video play, nervous anticipation building up in his chest. This particular camera showed the hallway leading to the elevator, including the door to his own unit. They were on the same floor, but Leeteuk’s unit was further away from the elevator. Heechul watched as the camera caught his friend rounding the corner and walking briskly to the elevator, but his breath caught seeing his friend stop in front of his door. Even in the camera’s low resolution, he could see his friend moved like a caged animal, a crazed look in his eyes that stilled momentarily to look at his friend’s door. Heechul watched as Jungsoo stood there hesitantly, an unreasonable part of him willing his friend to ring the doorbell, to enter the code. _I would have answered, Teukkie…you know I would have._ He watched his friend’s shaking hand slowly withdraw and clench into a fist, and as his friend turned away to walk toward the elevator, the camera caught a glimpse of his red, bloodshot eyes. 

The video ended, and Heechul couldn’t stop his thoughts from racing, staring numbly at Leeteuk’s manager. “Cameras in the basement caught him entering his car and driving away, and traffic cameras caught him speeding dangerously over the limit before the crash early this morning. Heechul-ssi, do you know why…”

“No,” Heechul croaked out. “I don’t.”

“The company will ask questions…” Leeteuk’s manager said timidly. Heechul snorted exasperatedly. “Of course they will. Tell them I’ll answer when Jungsoo recovers.” _When, not if,_ Heechul thought resolutely.

* * *

When Heechul returned, Inyoung noona and her mom had already gone home to rest, Inyoung worried that her elderly mother would collapse from exhaustion and worry. “We promised them that we’d look after hyung,” Hyukjae tells him, brushing away worried tears. “We’ll take shifts.” Heechul nods, looking at Hyukjae, Donghae, Shindong, and Yesung waiting for their turn inside the hospital room. Kyuhyun and Ryeowook had already entered. 

“What about your schedules?”

“We’ll figure it out, hyung,” Yesung said softly. “We’ll take turns so that Leeteuk-hyung will never be alone. KRY recording’s almost finished anyway.” Donghae and Hyukjae nodded, agreeing. D&E recorded fast. “We can push back the releases too,” Hyukjae added, “the company can wait.” Shindong scrolled through his calendar on his phone before nodding as well. “I’ll make time. Shooting for the company’s videos can go on without me anyway, once I have the shooting plan and script set up.”

All his dongsaengs looked at Heechul tentatively before Hyukjae spoke up. “Hyung, you can just come by when you can,” the vice leader said gently. “We know you’re busy, and all the shows that have you couldn’t possibly reschedule all at once…” The younger ones chimed in immediately. “We’ll take care of Teuk-hyung,” Donghae said, wide-eyed. “Of course, you don’t have to worry,” Shindong and Yesung both said. 

Heechul could feel the lump rising in his throat. Oddly, he felt as though it was their early days again, him going out alone on variety shows while the rest of the kids stayed with Jungsoo. How lonely he was, and how under-pressure Jungsoo was, their formerly-simple friendship suddenly complicated and strained over a distance that neither of them knew how to cross. Taking a deep breath, he said, “Okay.” Taking out his own phone, he dialed his manager, who answered on the first ring. “Joong-ssi, please cancel all my schedules for this month, and maybe even the next month if you can. I have something I need to do.”

Hanging up and cutting off the shocked replies of his manager, Heechul clicked off his phone and was greeted by his dongsaengs’ shocked faces. “What?”

“Hyung, your schedules…”

“Ya, my friend is lying there unconscious on a hospital bed. You think I can do my schedules like this?” Heechul snapped, aware that he was unfairly getting angry. Everyone was on edge now, confused and worried. Luckily, his dongsaengs were used to his erratic temper. 

“Okay, hyung, okay,” Hyukjae said slowly. “Thank you. We’ll be there for Leeteuk-hyung. All of us.” 

“Us too,” Kyu and Wook said softly, coming out of the room and closing the door behind them. Yesung silently gestured for Hyukjae and Donghae to go next, and the two of them silently entered the hospital room, Hyukjae leaving after patting his Heechul-hyung on the shoulder and Donghae hugging him quickly. 

Both Ryeowook and Kyuhyun were rubbing their faces and reddened eyes, looking desperately like they were trying to stop themselves from crying, sitting down on the couch they had vacated earlier. Yesung wordlessly sat between them and tried to offer comfort as the two youngest curled into his sides, all the while blinking away tears of his own as he looked up at the gray hospital ceiling. Shindong quietly took his seat again and took out his laptop, trying his best to distract himself with making preparations for music videos to shoot without him. 

Heechul still felt lost, unmoored. He was the oldest now, and although Hyukjae had always been Super Junior’s vice leader (a duty he didn’t envy), he still felt he had some responsibility. Specifically, he always felt that _Leeteuk_ was his responsibility. He definitely couldn’t lead a group, but he could care for his friend. 

And now — maybe this proved that he didn’t do even that. 

* * *

Hyukjae and Donghae came out again a few minutes later, both of them blinking back tears. Yesung and Shindong got up and entered together, and Hyukjae and Donghae took Yesung’s place on the couch, the two maknaes and D&E squeezed together. The four didn’t seem to mind, each of them lost in their own thoughts and worried about their hyung. 

Heechul watched them absentmindedly, still contemplating why his friend had gone out for a reckless drive in the middle of the night, why he had stopped in front of his door, why he hadn’t gone in. He had thought they were past this awkwardness, on and off-camera, but as he reviewed the past months in his head, Heechul fell further and further into guilt. While he knew that his friend didn’t resent him for his dating life, it _was_ awkward to discuss it with him, even after he had informed him of the confirmation and how it could affect Super Junior. Jungsoo had given his blessing with happiness that Heechul could see was genuine, but weeks later Heechul would see his shuttered eyes and his clipped responses to any of Heechul’s invitations. Not knowing what to do, Heechul let him be. 

Later, his decision to not join promotions had finally put enough separation between them, although Jungsoo had agreed with understanding and a heavy heart. It had hurt, and Jungsoo had done his part by not mentioning Super Junior activities to him for a while, which had effectively cut down the amount of their conversations to almost zero. Heechul couldn’t remember the last time they had talked, just talked — just the two of them. Their variety show appearances aside, he had never really gotten to ask his friend how he was doing. His friend’s SNS posts concerned him, especially when the fans themselves would start trends about their oppa, telling him to stay strong. Other members would send their hyung encouraging messages in the group chat too, and Heechul would add to them, but something always held him back from texting Jungsoo directly, calling him individually, or even just walking the few meters between their apartment units. 

And now, this. Heechul began to blame himself, not wanting to imagine what his friend was feeling that had pushed him to drive away alone. 

“Hyung?” Hyukjae spoke tentatively, waiting for Heechul to respond. When Heechul raised his head, Hyukjae said, “the managers couldn’t tell us a lot, but Inyoung noona said that he was found in a car accident, that he took a drive in the middle of the night and ended up…crashing.” Kyuhyun took a deep breath and closed his eyes, no doubt reliving his own memories of that time, and Donghae wrapped his arm around his dongsaeng to ground him. 

“That’s all I know too,” Heechul told them, just as Yesung and Shindong exited the room. 

“Leeteuk-hyung…” Hyukjae started cautiously. “I mean, we know he hasn’t been okay, before…but we thought…we thought he was doing better now.” Heechul winced. Of course they would — aside from a few vague SNS posts, Leeteuk never showed his pain and vulnerability to his younger members. It took years for Heechul to get him to open up, and only very rarely, and only to him, and certainly not recently — not with everything that had been going on. 

“He’ll be okay.” Heechul answered, with a reassurance in his voice that he did not feel but that he knew his dongsaengs needed to hear. “We’ll talk when he wakes up. Together.” Hyukjae looked somewhat reassured at that, nodding and staying quiet. “Siwon-ah will be landing in a few hours,” Donghae said, reading from his phone. “He’ll come straight here.”

Heechul nodded. “Alright. Time for you all to go home and rest.” Waving a hand over the teary protests that followed, he took a deep breath and prepared to take on the “responsible hyung” role. “Not everyone needs to be here all the time. You heard the doctor - he won’t be awake for some time. Go home, sleep, eat, fix your schedules and coordinate with your managers so that we can get through this,” Heechul said firmly. He didn’t even notice that his stomach started to grumble at that moment.It was well past lunch time. 

Ryeowook did, though. “Let’s go,” the vocalist said, pulling Kyuhyun with him. “We’ll cook something for Heechul-hyung at the dorms and bring it back later.” Heechul looked at his dongsaeng surprisedly, amazed that Ryeowook had already read his mind. “I’ll get you a change of clothes from your apartment, hyung,” Donghae said readily. “Ya, all of you…” Heechul started, but was cut off immediately. 

“You don’t need to explain, hyung,” Yesung said quietly. “We know you’re staying here. I don’t think we could move you even if we wanted to.” Hyukjae and Shindong nodded. “I can help with rearranging your schedules,” Shindong said, already texting the Knowing Brothers staff. “Stay, hyung,” Hyukjae said. “We’ll take care of everything and be back later tonight.” 

“The company…”

Hyukjae waved him off. “We can handle the company. We’re fifteen-year idols, not fifteen-year-olds,” he said with a cheeky wink. “We’re not kids they can push around anymore.” That drew a smile from Heechul. “Must be my influence,” he said under his breath, satisfied at the small timid laughs he got. Even now, even today, Jungsoo would always want his kids to be happy. No matter what. 

“Go!” Heechul said, shooing them away. “We’ll see you later, hyung,” Hyukjae said, hugging him. “Take care of Teuk-hyung for us.” 

* * *

Minutes later, his dongsaengs had gone, but Heechul still found himself unable to enter the room. His feet seemed rooted to the ground. Why was he so scared? The light and hopeful atmosphere he had created for his dongsaengs was gone, evaporated into thin air. The hospital walls seemed to close in, and everywhere Heechul looked was gray. The confusion and worry came back like a wave, drowning him until he found it hard to breathe. Eventually, he decided it was better to know than not to know at all. 

He took a deep breath and entered the room, heart dropping at what he saw. Park Jungsoo, Leeteuk, his leader and friend, was lying still on the hospital bed. _He’s not dead, he’s not dead, he’s not dead,_ Heechul chanted in his mind, taking step after step until he was at his friend’s bedside. 

Up close, Jungsoo looked skinny and weak. He had lost so much weight recently — _how did I not notice?_ — and with no makeup, the wrinkles on his face were much more evident. His cheeks looked sunken, his skin an unhealthy pallor. The top of his head was wrapped in a gauze bandage, making him look even more fragile. Heechul could no longer hold back his tears as he saw the ventilator hooked up to his friend, the machine willing his lungs to work. Heechul could see the outline of bandages all over his friend’s body, cuts and bruises from the accident standing out stark against the white hospital clothes. 

Heechul collapsed into the chair beside his friend’s bed, at a loss for words. He took his friend’s hand in his and nearly shouted. “So cold,” he whispered, immediately rubbing the hand with his own, trying desperately to warm it up. The cold Seoul winter hadn’t done his friend any favors. Standing up and anxiously looking through the spare linens closet in the private room, Heechul found an extra blanket and immediately spread it over his friend, tucking it up to his chin and being mindful of the various tubes and wires keeping his friend alive. “There,” he said gently, smoothing the blanket down and retaking his seat, holding his friend’s hand. It was thin and so so frail, Heechul felt he might break it. 

“Why, Jungsoo-yah…” Heechul whispered, his voice already breaking as the tears finally came, with just the two of them, like how it used to be. Fear and hurt and worry welled up in him, the complicated storm of emotions heaving in his chest. He hadn’t cried like this since his own accident, the prospect of a crippled career stretching out before him. Now, he cried for his friend — for all that Heechul had missed, for what he should have done for Jungsoo yet failed to do. “I’m sorry, Jungsoo-yah…” Heechul sobbed, gripping his friend’s hand tightly. “It’s my fault you didn’t enter, right? If I had only talked with you more, helped you more…you wouldn’t be here.”

_I’m sorry._ Alone, Heechul held his friend’s hand and cried, the steady beeping of medical machines the only other sound in the room.

* * *

Heechul woke hours later, confused at finding himself lying down on a mattress a few feet away from Leeteuk’s hospital bed. He blinked his swollen eyes slowly and rubbed away the residue of tears, finally seeing Siwon by Leeteuk’s bedside. “Hyung, you’re awake,” the idol actor said with a small smile. 

“Oh Siwon — when did you come?”

“An hour ago,” Siwon answered. Outside, the winter sun had set early and night had already fallen. “Ryeowook and Kyuhyun just left. They said they found you asleep by Leeteuk-hyung’s bedside and asked for an extra mattress instead so you would be more comfortable. Luckily the hospital allows people to stay overnight.” Siwon eyed his hyung. “You’re staying with him, right, Heechul-hyung?”

Heechul didn’t answer at first, getting off the mattress and stretching his stiff limbs. “Yes,” he said.

Siwon nodded, like he had been expecting this all along. “Ryeowook and Kyuhyun left food and clothes for you from Donghae. Hyukjae just texted me to say he’s sorry they couldn’t come back immediately — apparently everyone and their managers are trying to come up with a plan to move all the schedules, and the company is being stubborn. As usual.” 

Heechul’s stomach grumbled again, and he quickly moved to opening the containers on the table. Ryeowook and Kyuhyun were generous in their cooking, and Heechul quickly began wolfing down the rice and meat. “It’s fine. Hyukjae can handle the company.”

“I should go help, hyung,” Siwon said, standing and giving one last worried look at Leeteuk. “They’re all at the dorms.” 

“Everyone?” Heechul asked, pausing. They hadn’t gathered everyone in the dorms in…forever. “Apparently,” Siwon said, rapidly texting. “Shindong-hyung, Hyukjae, Donghae, and Yesung-hyung have also moved back in for the time being.” Despite the situation, Heechul chuckled a bit at that. He didn’t need to ask why — Super Junior just needed to be together for times like this. He couldn’t imagine any of them willingly going back to their empty apartments alone. If they were going to go crazy with worry, might as well be together. 

“I need to pick up clothes and join their dorm meeting, hyung,” Siwon said apologetically, opening the door. “We’ll all be back to visit as soon as we can get everything sorted out.” 

“Okay. I trust you all,” Heechul said warmly, because he did. “Ah, Siwon!” he called, just as his dongsaeng was about to leave. “Take a selca or video of all of you at the dorm. Jungsoo would like that.” Smiling, Siwon promised to send it immediately, and left. 

Heechul sighed. If they were having a dorm meeting until now, it was probably serious. Canceling or postponing schedules was easier said than done — it was hard years ago during the first two accidents, and it would be doubly difficult now that they were all veterans and juggling numerous activities. He thought his own phone was probably blowing up with messages from his own distraught manager — but when he checked, the only messages were from Hyukjae and Shindong, Hyukjae telling him about the meeting and Shindong reassuring him that he would take care of his schedules. 

Heechul put his phone down and continued eating. “Look at that, Jungsoo-yah…our kids have become responsible men,” he said nonchalantly, as if expecting a response. “It’s all your influence, of course,” he continued, munching on the side dishes Kyuhyun made. “You raised them well.”

At that moment, a nurse came in to change Leeteuk’s IV bag. “Oh! Annyeonghaseyo,” the nurse greeted, and Heechul did the same. “it’s good he has someone here,” the nurse smiled. “Are you family?” _Close enough,_ Heechul thought. “Just a friend,” he answered.

“Well, it’s always good to have friends. Talk to him often. Play music if you can, something familiar. Anything could help,” the nurse said, before exiting the room. Heechul packed up the food containers and changed into the pajamas Donghae brought before settling himself down again in the bedside chair. He forced himself to look at his friend. Jungsoo looked unchanged — skin still pale and sallow, still too thin, still unable to breathe on his own, still unconscious. 

“Ahh Jungsoo, look at us,” Heechul whispered, taking his friend’s hand in his own again. “We’ve had enough of hospital beds, right?” It was enough that he had an accident, but he almost went crazy knowing that four of them were in an accident too, with Kyuhyun almost losing his life, and Leeteuk risking his to save his dongsaeng. Always, always putting others ahead even if it cost him. 

“Remember when you were in the army, Jungsoo? When I visited you and told you to get discharged quickly, so we could do entertainment together and be the best in the industry?” It had almost hurt Heechul physically to see his friend go back to the military after losing his family, and obviously not being in the best mental state. When he visited, his only goal was to make his friend laugh, with joking gentle promises of the two of them together, conquering the world. At that time, he had succeeded. 

“Let’s keep the promise, hmm? When you get out of here, we’ll do entertainment together again. I’ll do activities with you again, sing with you again, go on stage with you again,” Heechul said, swallowing down the lump in his throat. “Maybe my leg can’t take it, so you’ll have to carry me, Jungsoo-yah,” he smiled fondly, “you promised.”

There was no response. The machines beeped on steadily, and his friend’s eyes remained closed. “Rest for now, okay?” Heechul said, stroking his friend’s hand. “The team will be okay. Did you know, they’ve moved back to the dorms for a while? You would like to see that, wouldn’t you? All of us, together?”

Heechul knew that every departure from the team had hurt Leeteuk more than he would ever say. Every departure felt like a personal failure for the leader. His friend had only ever wanted all of them complete — but as the years passed, it seemed more and more unattainable. Both the members and the fans settled for a few meet-ups, some secret, others with a selca posted. 

“They’re together now at the dorms, trying to figure out how to move everyone’s schedules,” Heechul said. “Can you imagine the chaos?” As if on cue, his phone beeped. Hyukjae and Siwon had sent some photos and videos.

SJ HYUKJAE: / _Hi hyung~! We’re in the middle of meeting, but here are some photos._

SJ SIWON: _Please show this to Leeteuk-hyung~!_

Attached was a short video, and Heechul clicked play. With the phone held high above them by Siwon, the members could all be seen gathered in a circle,their managers behind them shyly hiding their faces from the camera. “Hiiii hyung!” the members shouted, and Heechul hurriedly thumbed down the volume on his phone. _Aish, these kids._

“Please get well, Leeteuk-hyung!” “Hyung, fighting!” “Hyung, wake up please. You’re in another We Live Together episode with Heechul-hyung!” There was laughter still, although somewhat forced. Heechul didn’t know how the kids did it. Maybe they were all just ridiculously hopeful and optimistic. “We need someone to cue us for all our greetings, hyung,” Yesung spoke up suddenly, dampening the mood of the video slightly. Everyone’s eyes suddenly turned sad, and Heechul caught a glimpse of the sadness and worry that must have filled the room before they tried to be cheerful for their leader’s sake. Donghae’s eyes started to water, and he turned away from the camera.

“We have our fifteen-year anniversary coming up, hyung,” Hyukjae said, looking at the camera. “We’re not doing anything without you.” Behind him, the two maknaes nodded and blew their noses. Siwon lowered the camera and muttered a “get well soon, hyung,” before turning off the video. A message followed after: _sorry hyung, we started crying again after. I think Leeteuk-hyung wouldn’t want to hear that._

Heechul typed back his thanks and put down his phone, looking at his friend who had remained silent all this time. “See, Teukkie? They’re okay. They just need you to be okay.”

Stretching, Heechul looked at the time. Just 8PM, nowhere near his usual bedtime. “Ahh, you’re the worst, Jungsoo,” Heechul said, with no malice in his voice. “You always take on everything without help…but then I guess I wasn’t much help either, was I?” He sat there, going over the past months in his mind. 

“Look at us, Jungsoo — we’re a couple of ahjussis now,” Heechul said, sudden sentimentality making him grasp his friend’s hand even tighter. “You have to get better, Jungsoo-yah…there’s no other friend I’d rather grow old with. When the dances are too energetic for us already, maybe we can make a new sub-unit. Super Junior 83. We’ll sing ballads and soft romantic songs and put D&E out of business,” Heechul chuckled, the wishes and dreams raising his hopes. “And when neither of us can dance or sing on stage anymore, maybe we can host together. We’ll be like Doni and Coni. We’ll have our own talk show, and all the new idols and groups can go there if they want advice. We’ll promote all the kids and annoy the hell out of them with all our talking. What do you think?” _Leeteuk and Heechul. Heechul and Leeteuk. Universe Big Star and Nation’s MC._

“You’re at a disadvantage, Teukkie…” Heechul said, swallowing his tears and desperately pushing himself to maintain a light atmosphere. “They put you in a room with the universe big star, and you can’t even talk back.” He rubbed his friend’s hand, happy to feel a warmth from the extra blanket that wasn’t there before. “It’s hard to perform without reactions, but universe big star Kim Heechul will try,” Heechul said, brushing away his tears furiously. 

“Cha! For our first performance, Buzz!” Heechul said forcibly, bringing up his other hand and doing a halfhearted impression of Min Kyunghoon’s head voice. Halfway through, he started crying. He couldn’t take it, he couldn’t even pretend to be okay. Not when they were alone, without the members to distract him. The room seemed colder, the steady beep of machines mocking his attempt at variety humor. 

_“_ You have to be okay, Jungsoo-yah…you have to be okay,” Heechul choked out, the sudden reality of the situation crashing down on him again. “Your brain will be fine, okay?” he said softly, running a gentle hand over the bandage covering his friend’s head. “Your hair might not be, but you can always wear wigs,” he joked, “We can wear matching wigs together.” 

Heechul gave up, leaning his head down so that his forehead rested against Leeteuk’s arm. He cried silently, painful tears running down his cheeks. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…please, Jungsoo-yah, please…”

He didn’t know how long he sat there hunched over his friend’s still body, crying until his eyes were so swollen he could barely keep them open. Lightheaded, Heechul got up and went over to the mattress he had been lying down on, pushing it closer to the hospital bed so that he could fall asleep beside his friend. “Good night, Jungsoo-yah,” Heechul whispered, rubbing the back of his hand gently against his friend’s pale sunken cheek. “I’ll be here.”

* * *

Heechul slept restlessly, tossing and turning throughout the night, getting up several times to check Leeteuk, but nothing changed. He was up to greet the night nurse who came by, and sat by his friend’s bedside until the first rays of cold winter sun peeked through the curtains. Finally, exhausted by crying and worry, Heechul collapsed on his mattress and slept.

He was woken up several hours later by extreme shushing, which he assumed was his members. “Keep it down, Heechul-hyung’s still asleep,” Yesung’s deep voice rumbled somewhere near his head. 

He sat up and rubbed his eyes, wincing as he blinked awake. “Not anymore,” he said wryly, looking at all the members gathered in the room. Thank God the company had paid for an exclusive private room that could fit all of them. “Hyung! You’re awake!” Donghae said needily, sitting down on Heechul’s mattress and immediately flinging his arms around his hyung. Heechul grunted and returned the embrace, wondering how his fifteen-year-old dongsaeng had somehow turned into a muscular 33-ish year old baby. 

“They let us all in for today and future visits,” Hyukjae said from his place beside Leeteuk’s hospital bed. “But they told us that strictly only one person could stay overnight.” 

“Not fair,” Kyuhyun said, annoyed, as he quickly handed Heechul another box of food. “Breakfast, hyung — or lunch, given the time.” Heechul blinked and checked the wall clock. 12NN. Huh. 

“Good enough, because I can’t take care of Jungsoo and watch you all at the same time too,” Heechul complained. “You’ll all be noisy on shared mattresses while Jungsoo-yah is taking the first rest he’s had in years.”

Immediately, he knew it was the wrong thing to say. Sighing, he glanced around the room at the members who had all gone quiet, looking at each other nervously. He kept chewing, waiting for the silence to end from the questions he knew would come. 

“Is..is that why Leeteuk-hyung went out that night?” Ryeowook asked nervously.

“He…he’s not suici—…he doesn’t want to…ki…aish,” Donghae couldn’t finish his sentence, immediately burying his face in his hands. 

“No.” Heechul said firmly, even as his heart dropped as Donghae almost echoed his own dreadful suspicion. Of course the members would notice. Of course they would think that. _Yah Jungsoo, you have some explaining to do,_ Heechul thought. 

“But then why…” Shindong started, then trailed off, shutting his mouth. No one wanted to follow the discussion and eventually answer the looming questions at the back of everyone’s mind. 

“We don’t know,” Heechul said, sighing, standing up and putting the box of food down on the small table beside him. “And look, until Jungsoo wakes up, we don’t know anything for sure. We’ll talk after he wakes up. Everyone. You can all ask him your questions then. Alright?” Heechul said, eyeing each of the members in turn. 

“Deh, hyung,” they said in chorus, although Heechul could tell they were still confused and worrying. He walked to Leeteuk’s bedside and checked his friend. No change. The machines beeped on steadily, a full IV bag hanging from the stand.

“The nurse came by early,” Hyukjae said quietly. “She let us in and told us we could talk to him to help his brain — or something like that. She said music would help too.” Behind him, Donghae had taken out his guitar and had started plucking out a few notes, the soft melody filling the room. 

“Your schedules are fixed, hyung,” Shindong said proudly. “They’ll have to make do without you for the next month or two.” Immediately, Heechul felt guilty. It was easy to make the call to cancel schedules, but there were at least four to five variety shows that had relied on him and his contract, which legally wouldn’t have been easy to revise. “Guess I’m being replaced on most of them, huh,” Heechul said, going back to eating his lunch box. 

“Only temporarily, as long as the replacement agrees to give up the spot once you return.”

Heechul snorted. With how competitive the industry was nowadays, there was no way in hell any star would give up a hosting gig once they’d landed it. He knew this, of course; but it still hurt to give up his shows, especially when he had worked so hard to get them. “Sure. Good thing I have some savings left. I’ll live.”

“I’m serious, hyung. All your replacements signed waivers saying that they were only temporary and accomplishing your contract on your behalf.” 

“Huh?” Heechul stopped chewing and swallowed. “Who’d do that?”

Shindong shrugged and raised his hand, followed by Hyukjae, Kyuhyun, and Ryeowook — those who had experience hosting shows. Heechul’s eyes widened. “Yah, all of you…”

“Well, who else was going to do it?” Kyuhyun said, smirking. “With some special guests from time to time,” he said, gesturing to Donghae, Yesung, and Siwon. “Of course we’re taking them, hyung.” “We all want to be here with Teuk-hyung,” Ryeowook added, “but I think we all agree that we would want you to be here the most.”

* * *

The members stayed for the days in turns. a few leaving to record and coming back so that the others could do their own schedules too. Heechul had to admit that they had worked everything out perfectly. Inyoung noona and her mother came by often, and Heechul gave them their privacy. When Leeteuk’s family came, he took the opportunity to return to his apartment and grab some fresh clothes for the coming days; but otherwise, he never left Leeteuk’s side. 

The day and night nurses knew him well by now, and so did the doctors. He badgered them for information relentlessly; but for the whole first week, the only thing they could tell him was that Leeteuk was still in an induced coma. 

By the latter part of the second week. the doctors announced that they were bringing Leeteuk out of the induced coma, but that he had to wake up on his own. The drugs were slowly scaled back, Leeteuk was taken off the ventilator, and Heechul could hardly wait for his friend to wake. On his bedside, someone had placed a framed picture of Super Junior on display. “We should be the first thing he sees when he wakes up,” the members said proudly, and Heechul couldn’t agree more. 

Some nights, when the members had left and Heechul was once again alone with his friend, he played music. Mostly Super Junior songs, of course. These were the soundtrack of Leeteuk’s life. He once called the nurse in frenzied excitement because he could’ve sworn he saw his friend’s finger move when music was played. The song was Sarang — their duet song, and secretly one of Heechul’s utmost favorites, although of course like many things in their friendship, it simply went unsaid. 

That couldn’t be enough anymore, Heechul decided. Too much had been left unsaid in their friendship that it made him wonder what their friendship was anyway. It was leaving things unsaid under the excuse of awkwardness that got them into this mess. _Once Jungsoo wakes up,_ Heechul vowed, _I’m going to make him talk to me._

Days passed, and Jungsoo finally woke. The doctors ran their tests and concluded that there was no permanent brain damage, although his friend might have to take it easy and take an extended break from his activities. Heechul was not in the room when he finally woke up; he had given that time to his friend’s family. Finally, the members were allowed in, and he followed, blending in into the natural noise of the group, looking as though he hadn’t constantly been by his friend’s bedside all this time. By the looks of it — it worked. Jungsoo was still weak but looked happier to see his dongsaengs, although he avoided all questions of that night by changing the subject and asking about his members’ activities instead. Eventually, one day, on the excuse that all the other members were busy with schedules, Heechul got his chance.

* * *

“Jungsoo-yah…”

“Hm?”

“That night…why did you go out?” Immediately, Heechul could see his friend’s body language start to shutter and close down. “I needed air,” Jungsoo bit out curtly. Heechul took a deep breath and soldiered on. 

“They showed me a video of you leaving the building.” He watched as Jungsoo continued to push around the food on his plate, not meeting his eyes. 

“You stopped in front of my door.”

“Yes.”

“You didn’t go in.”

“…yes.”

“Why?”

Jungsoo abruptly put the chopsticks firmly down on his plate and pushed the tray away. “I’m tired, Heechul-ah. Maybe tomorrow.”

“No,” Heechul said gently. “We need to talk about this.”

“No, Heechul-ah,” Jungsoo said lightly, turning away from his friend. “ _You_ need to talk about this. I don’t.”

Grudgingly, Heechul acknowledged that this was partly true. His leader never failed to see through him. Heechul needed answers, but he also desperately wanted to help his friend. He rounded the bed and faced his friend again, who was now clenching his eyes shut. His friend’s breathing was short and labored.

“Talk to me, Jungsoo-yah,” Heechul pleaded, not fooled by his friend’s closed eyes. He wasn’t above begging. Silence answered him. “What happened that night?” Nothing. 

“Fine, then I’ll talk,” Heechul said resolutely. “I’m sorry I haven’t been a good friend lately. I haven’t been there to listen to you as much as I should. I let you go through everything alone. I’m _sorry,_ Jungsoo-yah. If you’ll let me, I want to help you.”

Jungsoo opened his eyes and looked searchingly at his friend. Heechul stood there and looked back, but he could tell his friend was still holding something back. “Okay, Heechul-ah, okay. I forgive you. It’s alright,” Jungsoo said, even giving him a hint of a smile. 

“No it’s not, isn’t it?” Heechul said knowingly. He knew he was probably pushing it, but he couldn’t help it. “You’re just saying that to get me to back off.”

Jungsoo’s eyes sparked, and Heechul was reminded of his friend’s temper. “You always have to get everything your way, don’t you, Heechul-ah?” Jungsoo said coolly, sitting up in bed to make his point. “Universe big star always gets what he wants. Never mind what others want or need.”

“What?” Heechul said, taken aback. 

“You said sorry, I’ve forgiven you, now we can move on. What more do you want?” Jungsoo said, but his eyes were begging Heechul to drop it. Drop it and move on. Back to the “awkward” normalcy that they called their friendship.

“I want to help you!” Heechul finally exclaimed. “I’m your friend, Jungsoo-yah. I know you haven’t been okay lately, and I want to help you. That’s what I want.”

To his surprise, Leeteuk snorted. “Really. Enough, Heechul-ah. I think you’ve helped enough. And you got what you wanted.” Inside, Leeteuk was screaming at himself to stop, to reel it in, to take it back, to keep the secrets — but his heart was open and raw, his body weak, and anger was the only emotion he could feel.

“What?” Heechul stopped and narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean?”

Leeteuk snapped his mouth shut and looked away. “Nothing. I overstepped. I’m sorry,” he said through gritted teeth. 

“No, you’re hiding something again,” Heechul said frustratedly, shaking his head. “You always do this, Jungsoo-yah! You always take on everything!”

“I’m the leader, Heechul-ah,” Leeteuk said dangerously, but his friend didn’t notice. “You think I don’t know that? After fifteen years? Yah, but that doesn’t give you the right to keep things from us, especially when keeping these things is what’s killing you on the inside!”

Leeteuk had had enough. His heart was pounding fast, blood rushing in his ears, breath coming faster and faster. “Get out, Heechul-ah. I don’t have anything to say to you. You can stop pretending to be my friend now. There are no cameras filming here.”

Heechul was struck dumb, the echoes of their Incheon fight resounding around the room. Immediately, he softened his voice. “Jungsoo-yah…please…”

“Get. Out.”

“Jungsoo…”

“Yah, get out! Leave!” Leeteuk screamed, throwing the nearest thing he could get a hold of at Heechul — which was the picture frame beside his bed, holding a picture of Super Junior. It flew and shattered on the wall beside Heechul, who now inched closer to the door.

“Fine, you selfish bastard.” Heechul shouted back. “Keep your secrets! And the next time you find yourself in front of my door, don’t even think about ringing the doorbell!” Without a second backward glance, Heechul opened and slammed the door behind him as he left, angry tears flowing down his cheeks. 

* * *

Heechul walked swiftly through the hospital corridors, flinging open an emergency exit door and finding himself in the empty stairwell. Alone, he slumped down on the step and cried, regret and guilt welling up in his heart. Why did he have to say that? Why did he push his friend to the edge? Why couldn’t he have found a better way? Just like that, the gap between them had grown into a chasm that Heechul didn’t know how to bridge. He didn’t know how to reach his friend — not anymore. His big mouth had just driven them further apart. Frustrated, he pulled at his hair and banged his head against the wall, at a loss. 

“Hyung…” a gentle voice whispered, hands enveloping his own shaking ones and keeping them still. “Enough.” 

Heechul blinked and saw Hyukjae kneeling in front of him on the steps, worried eyes gazing at him. “Donghae and I were on the way to visit Leeteuk-hyung and we saw you leave. You’ve never left Leeteuk-hyung alone so I followed you while Donghae stayed for Teuk-hyung. Did…did something happen?”

“Hyukjae…your hyungs…I think we fought again. And this time, I don’t know how we’re going to make up.”

Hyukjae took a seat beside Heechul on the stairs and sighed. “But you will, hyung. You’re our Super Junior pillars. The two of you can’t stay apart for long. Look at how you stayed with him this whole time! I think Leeteuk-hyung would understand.”

“You don’t know what I said,” Heechul replied, brushing away his stray tears. “He might never forgive me.”

“Hyung, this is Leeteuk-hyung we’re talking about,” Hyukjae said earnestly. “He’ll always forgive you.”

Heechul stayed silent and offered a small smile to calm his dongsaeng, while going over their heated conversation in his head and mentally punishing himself. There was no way Jungsoo would forgive him now, not after that. 

In the staircase behind them, frantic footsteps ran down and Donghae’s voice suddenly echoed through the walls. “Yah, Hyukjae! Turn on your phone, I’ve been trying to find you for the last ten minutes!”

Hyukjae’s eyes widened and he checked his phone, which had been on this whole time, seeing the lack of cell signal in the stairwell. “There’s no signal here,” he said nonchalantly, surprised at seeing his friend so agitated. Donghae was panting and sweating, trying to get his words out. Suddenly, Heechul felt a panicked feeling grasp at his chest.“What is it, Donghae-yah?”

“When I entered the room after hyung left, Leeteuk-hyung was sitting up, so I was so happy to see him. But when I came to his front, he was so white and he was breathing so fast,” Donghae blurted out, pulling the two with him out of the stairwell and hurrying along the hospital corridors. 

“I couldn’t calm him down and called the doctor, but while the nurses were rushing there Leeteuk-hyung suddenly collapsed unconscious on his bed!”

* * *

Heechul felt like he was drowning. When they had arrived at the hospital room, it was still abuzz with activity. Outside the door, a janitor had quietly swept up the shards of the picture frame and was about to dump the debris into her garbage bag until Donghae noticed the picture and quickly saved it. Doctors and nurses rushed in and out of Jungsoo’s room, and Heechul felt like he was going to faint. Hyukjae and Donghae took one long at him and hurriedly pushed him to sit down, while Donghae rushed to buy him an energy drink and water from the nearest vending machine. 

Heechul couldn’t think, couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe. What had happened to Jungsoo? How had he missed this? Had their fight aggravated his condition? If Jungsoo couldn’t recover because of him…he would never forgive himself. He could never live with it. 

He gripped his shaking hands together tightly until his knuckles turned white, eyes trained on the closed hospital door. Sat on either side of him, Hyukjae and Donghae looked at each other worriedly. Their hyungs were both hurting and neither of them could do anything to help. 

Finally, the door opened and a harried doctor stepped out, a relieved look in his eyes. Hyukjae stood to meet him, since Heechul’s legs felt like jelly. 

“It seems that Park Jungsoo suffered a severe panic attack,” the doctor said gently. “He fainted due to lack of oxygen caused by hyperventilating. He’s stable now, but we’re giving him extra oxygen just in case. It seems this was caused by a sudden stressful episode which may have triggered the attack. In any case,” the doctor said firmly, “we’ll have to keep him longer for observation and run some tests to make sure that this did not affect his brain’s recovery. He should _not_ be put under stress during this period. Anything stressful can be discussed with him AFTER he has made a full recovery.”

“We understand, doctor,” Hyukjae said, relieved. “Thank you. Can we see him?”

The doctor eyed the three of them cautiously, taking into account Heechul’s disheveled appearance. “Come back after a few hours. Let’s give him time to rest, although the familiarity of someone he knows might help when he wakes. We’re monitoring his vital signs now. The nurse will inform you when you may enter.”

Slightly disappointed, Hyukjae said his thanks and the doctor left the three of them. Feeling lost, Heechul suddenly stood up. “The two of you, wait until the nurse lets you in. Don’t leave him,” he said sternly. 

“Of course, hyung,” Donghae said, but Hyukjae immediately knew something was wrong. “Hyung, you’re not staying with us?”

Heechul shook his head sadly. “I—I don’t think it’s best for Jungsoo’s recovery for me to stay,” he said, looking down at the floor. “Take care of him for me,” he continued, fondly hugging his dongsaengs who were still looking at him with confused looks on their faces. 

“Hyung…where are you going?” Donghae asked worriedly.

“Back to my apartment,” Heechul said quickly, already turning on his heel and walking away before he could stop himself, before he rushed into that damn hospital room and stayed there forever. _By Jungsoo’s side — in hurt and hope._

But he was too late — worse, he had hurt his friend deeply, had caused more harm to his still-healing body. The shame settled in his heart, took over his thoughts as he absentmindedly hailed a taxi and left the hospital. He didn’t deserve to hold his friend’s hand anymore, to sit by his bedside, to call him “friend,” to know his secrets. With what he had done, he couldn’t be called Jungsoo’s friend. Not anymore. 

* * *

Leeteuk blinked his eyes open, the fog of medication making him feel woozy. Slowly, the hospital ceiling came into focus, along with two worried faces staring back at him. The uncomfortable sensation of tubes in his nose made him want to pull them out, but a pair of strong hands grabbed his own hands and held them down gently. _Donghae,_ his mind supplied. 

Slowly, he could register his name being repeated over and over. _Ah, Hyukjae._

“Hyung? Leeteuk-hyung? Leeteuk-hyung? Call the nurse,” Hyukjae said to Donghae, who immediately ran out. Leeteuk panicked a bit to see his dongsaeng leave his field of vision, unable to process what was going on. 

“Shh, he’s just gone to find a nurse, hyung,” Hyukjae said gently, holding both of his leader’s hands in his own. “We’re here. You’re okay. That’s extra oxygen, don’t take it out. Just breathe.”

Leeteuk closed his eyes and tried to get his mind right. What had been going on? Why was he on oxygen? Why were Donghae and Hyukjae here instead of…where was…

_Heechul._

Suddenly, the memory of a few hours ago came rushing back. The nurse was there by his bedside now. “Leeteuk-ssi? Leeteuk-ssi? Please focus on me. You had a panic attack and fainted. We need to check your vitals…”

Mutely, Leeteuk submitted to her ministrations, his mind racing as he suddenly recalled the heated conversation, gazing at the empty bedside table where a picture frame used to be. 

“Leeteuk-ssi?” the nurse said firmly, calling his attention. Leeteuk blinked and refocused. “Yes?”

“You are to be kept here for longer observation,” the nurse announced, making a few notes on her chart. “If you experience any discomfort breathing or any headaches, call us immediately,” she said, addressing it to Donghae and Hyukjae too. “He is not to be stressed under any circumstances,” she said sternly, closing her folder. The younger ones nodded, clearly taking their role seriously. 

When she left, the two crowded around their hyung’s bedside. “How are you feeling, hyung?” Donghae said earnestly. “We were worried there for a while,” Hyukjae added.

“Better now,” Leeteuk said, smiling to banish his dongsaengs’ worries and ruffling their hair fondly. How was it that the kids he looked after were already grown men?

“But where’s Heechul?” he asked, heart falling when he noticed the meaningful sad looks that the two exchanged. So something had happened. “Hey, hyung can see your faces, you know. Where is he?”

Hyukjae spoke first, looking nervously at Donghae, unsure of how much they could reveal. “He went home.”

“Oh,” Leeteuk said, immense sadness suddenly taking over, looking down and fidgeting with his covers. _He must have hated me that much then._ “Okay.”

“But we’re here now, hyung!” Donghae said cheerily, glancing over at Hyukjae and forcing the atmosphere to lighten. “And the others will be coming along too.”

“Thank you, Donghae-yah,” Leeteuk said softly, forcing a smile for his dongsaeng even as his heart twisted in his chest. He had caused enough worry for his members — he was still the leader, after all. He was the team’s refuge and safe place — if he couldn’t be a friend to Heechul, he should at least be the leader for his dongsaengs. 

The next days were torture for Leeteuk. By day, he would enjoy his members’ company. He had missed them dearly, and having so many of them just with him in the room — no cameras, no schedules, no expectations to perform — it was nice. But with all the members he saw daily, there was always a notable gap, a lack, a missing piece. No one mentioned Heechul, and all Leeteuk got when he asked was uncomfortable answers or nervous glances shared among the members. So he stopped asking — because maybe he had lost the right to know. 

He spent his nights awake, crying silent tears, thinking over and over about their last conversation, the one that had ended with his vision going white and his heart beating so fast and his lungs refusing to breathe. He had lost his temper and said things to Heechul that he was sure the other would never forgive. He had mocked his friend’s attempts at reconciliation, and in resentment had nearly revealed the secret he had sworn to keep, to make Heechul happy. He was no leader — he had selfishly hurt his friend, and it was obvious that Heechul couldn’t even bear to look at him.

* * *

Upon arriving at his empty apartment unit, Heechul collapsed on his bed and slept until the next afternoon. He had ordered takeout and alcohol, and drank himself into a stupor. Eventually, even alcohol wouldn’t take away the pain that had wormed its way into his heart. He had lost a friend through his own foolishness, and it felt like mourning. 

His days were empty of schedules courtesy of his members’ generous offer to replace him on his shows, so he couldn’t even throw himself into work. Every day was a constant repetition — Heechul felt like he was going to go crazy. The only thing that kept him sane was the updates from his members. 

_SJ HYUKJAE: Hyung, Leeteuk-hyung woke up. He’s fine now, they took him off oxygen._

_SJ DONGHAE: Leeteuk-hyung is still asking for you._

_SJ YESUNG: We don’t know what to tell him, Heechul-hyung._

_SJ KYUHYUN: Hyung, please come back. You and I know how important hospital visits were. He needs you._

_SJ RYEOWOOK: *video* /Leeteuk nervously singing along to an SJ track, laughing as his rusty voice tries to hit the notes again, KRY singing backup softly from behind and smiling meaningfully to Heechul through the screen while gesturing at the oblivious Leeteuk/_

_SJ SIWON: *pictures* /Leeteuk eating dorm-cooked food from the maknaes/ /Leeteuk laughing at one of Donghae’s stories/ /Leeteuk fondly looking at Ryeowook and Hyukjae who had fallen asleep beside his bed, heads pillowed on their arms, him stroking their hair/_

_SJ SHINDONG: Hyung, it was my turn to stay overnight. Leeteuk-hyung thinks we don’t know, but he cries to sleep every night. He stopped asking about you because he knows we can’t answer._

_SJ YESUNG: Hyung, where are you? Come back, please._

Eventually, Heechul couldn’t take it anymore. At the very least, before Jungsoo decided to cut him off forever, he had to apologize. He had to say he was sorry. He wasn't a coward — but he was deathly afraid of losing his friend. 

Hyukjae told him that Jungsoo was regularly sleeping well now, so Heechul figured he could slip in during the night, write a letter, and leave before Jungsoo woke up. It was still the coward’s way out — but Heechul didn’t think that he could handle hearing the dreaded words from Jungsoo’s mouth, the ones that would end their friendship once and for all. Better for him to leave quietly. 

Yesung was scheduled to stay overnight, but he merely nodded at Heechul when Heechul came in at midnight, packing up and leaving. “We’ll be back tomorrow morning, hyung,” the vocalist whispered, before he left the two alone again. 

Heechul took a deep breath and observed his friend again after two weeks. He looked better. His face looked fuller and less sunken, probably thanks to the dorm-cooked food by the maknaes. Color had come back to Jungsoo’s face, and without the ventilator, head bandage, or oxygen tubes, Jungsoo looked healthier. His breathing was deep and even, and he looked like he was getting a good night’s sleep. Grateful tears pricked at Heechul’s eyes. His dongsaengs had done this, had helped Jungsoo recover, while all he had contributed was a severe panic attack and delayed recovery. He was definitely the worst. 

Heechul sat by the bedside again and took out his pen and paper, contemplating what to write. Tears began to flow again as he wrote, scratching out words and penciling in new ones, wanting his sincerity and remorse to show through. 

_To our Leeteuk, my Jungsoo:_

_By the time you read this, you will have recovered from your accident. You will go back to hosting, singing, dancing, everything you love to do. I’m sorry for what I’ve done to hinder that. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry — I will keep apologizing for the rest of my days._

_I will not be a burden to you anymore, Jungsoo. I was wrong in everything I said. I hope someday, you will be able to forgive me. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry._

_We are the kids’ hyungs, but you are my only hyung. I promised then to support you and be there for you, but I think I’ve failed. I’m sorry. I’ll give you space from now on — I promise._

Heechul read his work, tears dampening the paper. He added a few lines, crossed out others, until the letter was unrecognizable. Unsatisfied but knowing that was probably how far he was going to get, he folded it up and placed it gently on Leeteuk’s chest, where he was sure to notice it when he woke. He was definitely not a wordsmith, but it would have to do. 

“Goodbye, Jungsoo-yah…” Heechul sobbed quietly, tentatively reaching out for his friend’s hand then pulling back at the last minute. He settled for laying his head down on the hospital bed, arms crossed, inches away from Jungsoo’s arm. “I’m sorry,” Heechul closed his eyes, and his tears dampened the white sheets. He was also exhausted — the past two weeks had been nothing but late nights and days spent in fear, guilt, shame, worry — culminating in this one night, the last weakness he had given himself, to say goodbye. Despite himself, he could feel his body shutting down, giving in to exhaustion. He turned his head to check the clock, deciding that it would be a few hours still until Yesung returned. He could nap for a few minutes by Jungsoo’s side and leave.

* * *

Leeteuk woke in the middle of the night, disturbed, although he couldn’t explain why. He rarely woke up in the middle of the night anymore, the nurses insisting he got his full eight hours of sleep. It was 2AM. He turned his head to check on Yesung, and was surprised to find the mattress beside him empty.

_Oh._ Seeing the head and shock of hair pillowed on his bedside, Leeteuk suddenly inhaled. He would know that crazy head of hair anywhere. _Heechul-ah._

Head on his arms, Heechul’s tearstained face was turned towards Leeteuk, and Leeteuk could scarcely refrain himself from wiping away those tears. He saw the dark circles and bags under Heechul’s eyes, and the tiredness on his face. Leeteuk noticed the folded piece of paper on his chest and picked it up gingerly, making sure to not jostle his friend. Heechul slept on. 

Unfolding the creased paper, Leeteuk read through the jumbled lines, applying years of practice deciphering his friend’s unique handwriting. With every word, his heart broke at the misunderstanding and pain he had caused. Folding the letter, he placed it on his bedside and regarded his friend sadly. There was so much hurt between them, but Leeteuk knew it was only outweighed by love. They just had never told each other so. 

Settling in, Leeteuk took out a smaller pillow from behind his headboard and gently eased it under Heechul’s head. The younger didn’t even move, and Leeteuk’s heart clenched at how tired his friend must be. _Sleep, Heechul-ah. I’m sorry, but I can’t let you leave. I need you too._

* * *

Heechul woke slowly, feeling the sensation of someone stroking his hair. He opened his eyes slowly, the pins and needles in his arms and and feet reminding him where he had fallen asleep. He jerked upright suddenly, remembering where he was, meeting the sad sad eyes gazing right at him.

“Oh, oh, sorry, wait, I’ll be going…” Heechul stuttered, looking away and standing up suddenly, but immediately sitting down again as a firm but gentle hand pulled him back. 

“Heechul-ah…” Jungsoo said, and Heechul couldn’t look him in the eyes. “It’s okay. Stay, please.”

Heechul forced himself to relax, still nervous, his heart pounding in his chest. “I…”

“I read the letter,” Jungsoo blurted out suddenly. “I’m sorry, I was wrong.”

“I’m sorry too,” Heechul whispered. “I said things that I didn’t mean. You can come over any time. My door will always be open. I won’t ask any questions. Just come. We can eat, watch movies. We don’t have to talk.”

A hint of a smile played around Jungsoo’s mouth. “That would be nice,” the older said, fidgeting with his blanket. “But I think you do deserve some answers.”

Heechul proceeded carefully, unsure of where he stood. “Jungsoo-yah, I’ll always be here. I want to hear what you need to say, but only if you want to tell me. I won’t force you.”

Leeteuk swallowed the lump in his throat. “I haven’t been…okay, recently.”

Heechul stayed quiet, doing his best to listen. 

“That night — I…I don’t know, I just felt alone. Lonely. Lonelier than I had ever been. Even with everything — Youtube, the fans, the members…it was hard. I needed to clear my head, so I took a drive. ”

Heechul stammered, "You--you weren't really thinking...of..."

Leeteuk shook his head. "No, but I'd be lying to say that the thought never crossed my mind." Heechul took a deep breath and gripped his friend's hand tightly, not knowing what to say.

Leeteuk exhaled. “Heechul-ah.”

“Hmm?”

“Don’t…don’t take anything I say the wrong way. Please? Let me explain.”

Heechul shifted in his seat, already nervous, but he nodded. Leeteuk took a deep breath. “Before you announced your relationship, there were many meetings with the company.”

“I never heard of this,” Heechul protested. Leeteuk looked at him patiently. “I never told you.”

“Why?”

Leeteuk looked away, afraid that he would already start crying. “They were angry. Super Junior was SM’s pride, they said…a dating scandal would hurt not just the group but everyone else.”

Heechul was angry already. “They have no right...she's not just a scandal...!"

“I know.” Leeteuk said, cutting him off. Heechul snapped his mouth shut. “That’s what I told them. In the end, they said yes. You know that.”

Heechul sat back in his seat, head spinning. “What did it take?” He could remember all the countless events during their career where his leader and only his leader would attend meetings with the company, going in and coming out alone, often with tears in his eyes. Then Jungsoo would disappear for some time, uncontactable, until he showed up looking as though nothing had happened, an ever-reliable leader. 

His friend was quiet, clenching the bedsheets in his fists. Heechul leaned forward and hesitatingly covered his friend’s fist in his own hand. “Jungsoo-yah…what did it take?”

His friend finally looked up at him with tear-filled eyes. “Me.”

“What?”

“I’m the leader of Super Junior. My image is everyone’s image. They put a new clause in my contract saying that if I have any dating scandals or any scandal at all, I’ll have to leave SM. In exchange…well, you know. You and any other member in the future. They’ll allow it.”

Heechul was dumbstruck. No wonder his friend had been living even more carefully lately. He had always teased him about that; about Jungsoo being so afraid to interact with others. Now he knew. Of course. The loneliness must have been crushing. Guilt crawled up Heechul’s spine. He had always been the carefree and careless one; the one SM let do whatever he wanted just because he was Kim Heechul, but there had always been a Park Jungsoo who had to clean up the mess he left behind. 

“You…”

“I don’t regret it,” Leeteuk said quickly. “I’ve never regretted anything I did for you or the team. It was just…hard. It gets hard. Harder, recently.”

Heechul couldn’t help it. He cried, the tears flowing down his face. He was feeling so many things at once: guilt, that he had indirectly caused this; admiration, for the leader his friend was; and love, for his friend who had been willing to sacrifice his own happiness for his members. For him. 

“I’m sorry,” Heechul whispered. Leeteuk only looked at him, fond, warm, without a hint of resentment. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Heechul-ah,” his leader and friend replied, wiping away Heechul’s tears. “You fell in love. Who could deny you that? Besides, I’m sorry…my anger, that day. You didn’t deserve that. That was my fault.”

Heechul shook his head. He couldn’t imagine what his friend had given up. If anyone had asked him to give up that much, no matter how close he was to him, he would have been angry too. It was only human. 

“They can’t do that.”

“They already did,” Leeteuk said, wiping away the last of his friend’s tears. “It’s in my contract.”

“We’ll find a way,” Heechul said stubbornly. “They can’t do that to you.”

“Heechul-ah.” Leeteuk said sternly. “Anything you do at this point would only hurt you.”

“I don’t care!” Heechul retorted. “It’s hurting you too!”

“And what about her?” Leeteuk replied. “You know this isn’t just about you or me. If you really love her, and the members and whoever they will love, you will help me by leaving this alone and keeping it quiet.”

Heechul stopped reluctantly. “Fine,” he said, frustrated. “But if there will ever be a way to get you out of that contract without hurting anyone else, I’m doing it. Consider yourself warned.”

Leeteuk leaned back on his pillows, exhausted yet relieved. “Okay, Heechul-ah. I trust you.”

Such simple words, yet they ignited a steely determination in Heechul’s heart. He had to find a way — his friend deserved to be happy too. “And another thing. You have to tell me about these things. No secrets, not between us,” Heechul said seriously. “We can keep it from the kids, but you’re not carrying anything alone ever again.”

Leeteuk looked at his friend searchingly before nodding. “Okay, Heechul-ah. Okay.” Satisfied, Heechul sat back in his seat and stifled a yawn, the few hours he had slept not nearly enough. 

“Lie down. Sleep,” Leeteuk said seriously, interrupting his friend’s thoughts. He hadn’t missed the tiredness in the younger’s face, sitting up in bed and pulling Heechul along to lie down on the mattress beside his hospital bed. With a fond smile, Leeteuk tugged the blanket up and over his friend, effectively tucking him in. After weeks of being a patient — he had missed taking care of his members like this. 

Heechul quietly let him, smiling despite his fatigue as he lay his head down on the pillow. “Yah, am I fifteen again? We’re the same age, you know.”

“I’m still older,” Leeteuk said with a smile on his face, settling back down on his own bed.

_Yes, and I’m so glad you are._ Heechul thought, closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep. 

* * *

“Out of curiosity, where were you planning to go?” Leeteuk asked, when they had both waken up feeling more refreshed. “After this?” he said, holding up the letter and placing it on the bedside table.

“To the company to terminate my contract,” Heechul said seriously. Leeteuk’s eyes widened. “You’re joking.”

“Yah, I just cried in front of you and wrote you a letter. Does this look like a joke?” Heechul shouted, with none of the anger. Leeteuk immediately recognized it as one of his friend’s defense mechanisms. 

“Okay, Heechul-ah,” Leeteuk said calmingly, used to his friend’s random outbursts. “Why?”

“When they said I caused your panic attack…that it might have hurt your recovery…I couldn’t forgive myself,” Heechul mumbled. “I couldn’t live with myself. I couldn’t go on entertaining. The kids had taken all my show contracts anyway — I just had to make it official.”

Leeteuk raised his eyebrows. This was the first time he was hearing about this. “The kids took your contracts?”

Heechul immediately slammed his mouth shut. “Well look at the time, Teukkie! I think I’ll go out for breakfast…want anything?”

Leeteuk wasn’t fooled. He crossed his arms and glared at his friend. “I thought we promised no secrets.”

“It’s not a secret!” Heechul protested. “The kids took my place. That’s all.”

“But why?” Leeteuk questioned. Heechul shrugged. “I just didn’t feel like doing them.”

“That’s a lie.” Leeteuk’s eyes narrowed further. 

“We took them because Heechul-hyung said he needed to be here,” voices behind them said, and both Leeteuk and Heechul turned their heads to see their members enter the room.

“To be more specific,” Hyukjae said as Kyuhyun and Ryeowook unloaded boxes of food and the rest of the members claimed their spots around the room, “Heechul-hyung said, ‘Yah, my friend is lying there on a hospital bed, you think I can do my schedules like this?” Hyukjae laughed, his passable impression of his hyung making the others smile and agree. 

“You…” Heechul spluttered, face going red as the members laughed around them and Leeteuk turned his eyes on him again, gaze fond and teasing. “Really?”

“Aish…”

“Hyung, he thought he was being so cool too! He called his manager and just told him to cancel his schedules for the next two months! Joong-ssi thought he was going to go crazy, so we helped him out by taking Heechul-hyung’s place,” Yesung said.

“He was here day and night, hyung,” Donghae said, replacing the re-framed Super Junior picture on his leader's bedside, smiling cutely at Heechul who was glaring daggers at him. Hearing that, Leeteuk stared at Heechul, surprised. “Day and night?” the leader echoed.

“Would’ve starved if we didn’t drop off dorm-cooked food for him regularly,” Ryeowook grumbled good-naturedly. 

“Didn’t let us take his place,” Shindong added. “He only let Inyoung noona and your mom replace him,” Siwon said. There was a beat of silence as the dongsaengs grinned and Heechul felt his face grow redder and redder, Jungsoo keeping his eyes on him with that same unbearable fondness. 

“Anyway, about the shows, Teuk-hyung, it’s really only temporary,” Kyuhyun said, looking at Heechul. “Until Heechul-hyung comes back.”

“You’ll come back, right hyung?” Donghae asked, and the room suddenly became quiet. Leeteuk looked at Heechul silently. 

Heechul stared at his members, and a few seconds ticked by. “You all better not have ruined my image,” he said sulkily, but his dongsaengs understood. They cheered and clapped, while Leeteuk just looked at him with a warm smile. 

_Thank you,_ Leeteuk mouthed. 

Heechul just nodded and smiled. _Anything — for you._

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this after recently going through a “friendship breakup,” so forgive the angst. As anyone who’s been through a “friendship breakup” knows, it can sometimes hurt even more than a romantic breakup. 
> 
> I got lazy to write the legal resolution of Teuk's contract so just imagine with me that all the members, with Heechul leading, laid their contracts on the line and threatened to leave SM if they didn't remove that ridiculous clause in their leader's contract. It ends with lots of tears and hugging and "neo neun syupeo junio aniya?" haha
> 
> Also this is FANfiction about real people, so I feel like it goes without saying that this does not reflect their real personalities at all, save for some quotes that you might recognize ("you are my only hyung.") I just needed an outlet for the newly-found love I have for SJ and teukchul -- I love their friendship and how real it is despite not being showy at all. 
> 
> Title from Sara Bareilles' "Uncharted."


End file.
